In my comments section, Pam L remarked that I ďsound so focused and strong.Ē I guess that was true as long as I was kept busy, whether it was smoothing ruffled feathers, dealing with newspaper reporters, or sharing comfort with family members.
But, yesterday, I was alone for the first time since Mark went missing last Friday. I thought I needed some solitude, but it turned out to be a very difficult day for me. I didnít know what to do with myself. Iím deeply exhausted, but couldnít rest because I was too nervous. I tried to do some tidying up around the house, but was too preoccupied to concentrate on the task at hand. I kept breaking down. It hurts so much. I come here because I don't know where else to go.
Fortunately, my sister, Pat, called, and that phone call was a tremendous help to me. It pulled me out of the depths of despair I felt myself sinking into. I was actually able to laugh during our conversation, as we discussed the petty drama that is intruding on our anguish. It made me realize that I canít handle this on my own. I need my loved ones. The weight of this burden is unmanageable on my own.
I was supposed to be admitted to the hospital on Monday for five days of IV therapy. That has been postponed. As LA pointed out, my body is going haywire with all of this. Iím in a lot of physical pain (as well as emotional), and really hated to have to do that, but I had no choice. I canít be in the hospital while there is still a chance that my brother will be found. Iíd have to leave, and the therapy would be interrupted. That wouldnít do me any good.
Tomorrow will be one week since we found out Mark was missing. Every morning, we get up hoping this will be the day he will be brought home to us, and every night we go to bed with heavier hearts. This has got to come to an end.