I spoke to my mother yesterday, and she's been having a tough time accepting what happened to Mark and dealing with the loss, as are the rest of us. One of her friends recommended a grief counselor, and I think that would be a good thing for her to look into. I'd like to talk to someone or join a support group, myself. This is just too difficult.
Last week, a co-worker/friend let me borrow a videotape of her appearance on the Phil Donahue show several years ago after her 16 year old son was killed in a car accident. Another guest was my friend's grief counselor, a woman who spoke to me on the phone for 45 minutes, free of charge, back in October, before Mark’s body was found.
One thing the grief therapist said really made an impression on me. She said that grieving people need to feel “safe.”
I have been seeking safety through denial. Much of the time, I try to avoid thinking about the finality of our loss. If I didn’t do that, I couldn’t get through the days. But, sometimes the reality hits me like a sucker punch to the stomach, and I find myself doubled over by the pain. Yesterday was one of those days.
My mother had called to ask me to make copies of the newspaper articles. While I was doing it, one of the headlines reached out and grabbed me by the throat: Missing hunter is found dead.
I’m having such a hard time wrapping my brain around that word in relation to my brother. One day he was alive, and the next day he wasn’t. We never saw his body. All we had was a box of ashes. “Cremains” is another word I have trouble connecting to my brother.
To dwell too long on these things is to risk a security breach. There is safety in denial.