It had been my intention to return to work today, but my back hurts more than ever. Honestly, the pain can be excruciating. I had a very bad night, waking up several times because of the pressure my bladder was putting on my lower back. The pain was mind-bending.
I just might have to stay out until I see the doctor on Monday. Parent/Teacher conferences are scheduled for tomorrow evening (6:30 p.m. to 9:00 p.m.), and thereís no way Iím up to that. In the meantime, I received a packet from the spine doctorís office, which included a script for x-rays, so Iím hoping to have that done today.
In the comments section, many of you mentioned sciatica. Yes, that definitely has a lot to do with the pain I am experiencing. Before I had the surgery for the herniated disc a few years ago, I suffered with sciatica for over one year. It was an absolute misery. I canít stand the thought of going through that agony again, especially on top of all the other pain Iím dealing with, both physical and emotional.
Speaking of emotional pain, I received two emails this morning that reduced me to tears. One was from a woman who lost her brother fifteen months ago. She said her pain has not diminished, but she is better able to handle it now. She assured me that the passing of time really does help. As I told her in my response, her email took me quite by surprise, and left me sobbing. (Her parting words, in particular, really got to me: ďKeep your memories close, and know that your brother is with you.Ē) This was a good thing, actually, and the timing was perfect. I needed to cry.
For the most part, Iíve been pushing thoughts of my brotherís death out of my mind. Otherwise, I wouldnít be able to function. However, itís not healthy to keep everything in all the time, and allowing myself to do some more grieving did me a world of good. So did hearing from this compassionate woman, as well as the next one I want to mention.
Ms. S and I have corresponded sporadically via email for a few years. She has been incredibly supportive, and very kind. This morning, she, too, wrote to offer her condolences. I wept over her remark about my family coming together and handling Markís death with great dignity. She also talked about how holding a lot of pent-up emotion in your body can manifest in different ways. Her email ended with this observation: ďWith your history of scary headaches and Fibromyalgia and other issues you've talked about, well, maybe you just can't take anymore.Ē
Those words hit me right between the eyes. I DO feel like I canít take anymore, and donít understand why I have to.
Song of the Day: Anymore by Linkin Park