I spoke to my mother yesterday, and she's been having a tough time accepting what happened to Mark and dealing with the loss, as are the rest of us. One of her friends recommended a grief counselor, and I think that would be a good thing for her to look into. I'd like to talk to someone or join a support group, myself. This is just too difficult.

Last week, a co-worker/friend let me borrow a videotape of her appearance on the Phil Donahue show several years ago after her 16 year old son was killed in a car accident. Another guest was my friend's grief counselor, a woman who spoke to me on the phone for 45 minutes, free of charge, back in October, before Mark�s body was found.

One thing the grief therapist said really made an impression on me. She said that grieving people need to feel �safe.�

I have been seeking safety through denial. Much of the time, I try to avoid thinking about the finality of our loss. If I didn�t do that, I couldn�t get through the days. But, sometimes the reality hits me like a sucker punch to the stomach, and I find myself doubled over by the pain. Yesterday was one of those days.

My mother had called to ask me to make copies of the newspaper articles. While I was doing it, one of the headlines reached out and grabbed me by the throat: Missing hunter is found dead.

Dead.

I�m having such a hard time wrapping my brain around that word in relation to my brother. One day he was alive, and the next day he wasn�t. We never saw his body. All we had was a box of ashes. �Cremains� is another word I have trouble connecting to my brother.

To dwell too long on these things is to risk a security breach. There is safety in denial.